Harnessed. Standing in front of the huge boulder. Looking up. Finding first footholds. Reaching arms. Grasping the ledge. Terror. Climbing, my friends do it and I want to do it too.
Yet I’m terrified of heights. I grew up in a land of cornfields and there wasn’t much climbing being done. There weren’t many friends either, and all I wanted was people to do things with me. When I left for college on Lookout Mountain, GA, I hoped that I would be given friends who would love adventures and outdoor activities. Well, I did, but little did I know how much stretching I would, and still do, go through. My friends are insanely crazy, and pretty much hardcore. Life is one big adventure!
Growing pains hurt though, and a lot of times I find myself dwelling on the past. Why would no one play with me? Making excuses for why I’m the slowest or the least skilled. Well I just didn’t get to do this when I was younger. Whenever I do things with them, I find myself climbing over a bigger boulder of absolute resentment.
So I end up battling fear and resentment. Why then, do I keep wanting to go climbing? The challenge, obviously. However, every time I walk over to that boulder, I remember what a gigantic challenge it is. I shrink back. In my various escapades I’ve made it to the top only a few times. Overcoming fear and resentment is a huge daily battle in itself. It takes time. The more times I climb, the more I get used to it, but it’s so slow. Each time I go, I think, Oh I’ll get to the top this time, but I only get higher than the last time I went. I think that’s good. It’s not necessarily hardcore, but honestly, it takes time for me to get used to anything I do. Slow, low energy…that’s just who I am. The adrenaline rush does not push me up. It makes me freeze. But I keep at it anyway, because eventually I’ll get to the top and I know it will be so rewarding.
The other reason I keep going is because, like running, climbing doesn’t bore me. When I do a cardio/ pilates video or go to the gym, I get so bored and distracted. I lose count really fast, literally. I become demotivated, and then in the gym, overwhelmed by all the options I can do. Should I do every machine? Have I stretched every muscle? If I had a buddy, I probably wouldn’t mind so much, especially if they counted for me. In pilates everything seems so still and I wonder, is this really doing anything? Then boredom sets in. Although, I do get through it and realize it wasn’t so bad.
I wouldn’t necessarily jump off a cliff if my friends did, but I would definitely climb one if they did. Maybe to me life isn’t a big adventure, but a big battle. Or maybe I should see it as an adventure; however, it’s something to overcome and I plan to overcome it though it take me a lifetime.
you are one cool gal. did i tell you i loved you recently? dad