I like myself. I think I’m pretty cool. One thing I particularly like is how I feel things intensely. Like Marianne in “Sense and Sensibility” says, If I’m going to feel an emotion, I’m going to feel it to its fullest. I don’t know the exact quote. But it’s so true, whether I’m excited or sad, I feel it all.
Well, this has also been an attribute that I’ve loathed about myself. I compare myself and think no one else is like this, maybe I’m wrong to be like this. However, those are not the negative thoughts that trip me up the most. I have always thought I needed to find someone who will fix me. So the place where I trip up the most is in my friendships with guys. I have been through a couple of particular hard friendships in the past four years that I’ve just completely stumbled. Both of them are really nice, but they’re actually not alike. Basically, though, I had the same friendship with two different people, in which I thought the extreme part of their personality, analytical emotional, or logical, could fix me. I became extremely excited when I became their friends, and ended up going too far emotionally for mere friendship. It’s safe to say, I’ve been crushed.
Yet, I am so thankful for both these friendships. If I hadn’t been friends them I would not have learned so emphatically one of the biggest lessons of my life: I don’t need to be fixed by man. The only fixing I ever needed was being saved from my sins, and Christ did that on the cross. What is even more amazing is he did that while I was still a sinner. He loved me and delighted in me knowing I would sin against him, but also knowing I would come back to him. So this made me realize it is possible for me to be loved, delighted in, cherished regardless of my downfalls, or any particular intense parts of my personality. And I can show this unconditional love myself. It all comes down to his work in our hearts.
