Staring at the Clock

Oh to be 24 with no kids, no boyfriend, just you.

 

It’s still slightly hard, though, folks.

Anyway, what I really want to talk about is…oh the places I’ve gone, the people I’ve seen, and the things I’ve done, despite having nothing.

I’ve recently relocated back to Chattanooga without a job or a car. I got a job soon enough, but I have to be licensed so I’ve been spending a lot of time reading course material and taking quizzes and more quizzes. They’ve been hard. I’m the test taker who’s tricked by every trick in the book even though I continually remind myself not to be. But through all my failures I’ve progressed and soon will start my job and get paid and get a car. Now that my preface is over, let’s move to the body.

A friend of mine sent me a letter from Wilmer Mills, who recently died from lung cancer. In it he discusses time, chronos, and kairos. The former being living by the clock and calendar and the other living in the moments of eternity we are given in life. This abundant time I’ve had since February, unemployed, has kind of driven me a little crazy. I feel guilty in some ways to have so much on my hands, especially now when I have a job, but I have to pass these exams (I’ve been getting better, which makes it worse because then I don’t need to spend all day studying). So, I’ve had a lot of time in Chattanooga, spending it with some of my favorite people, should I really be feeling guilty? No. Something Wilmer said really struck me, “Too often we live only for the clock and fail to notice how, in the absence of incremental time, we would be more able to see the pattern in the rug, how the stained glass windows of our lives make sense as wholes and not as mere pieces.” If there’s anything I’ve been truly guilty of it’s been staring at the clock too long and not at the steady flow of God’s provision and grace. I see me failing to meet the standards of the world with no car and with having not started my job. But what my focus needs to be on is the bigger picture here, God’s given me a ton of time to get resettled, to spend ample time helping dear friends, and being helped by them. He’s given me an exorbitant amount of time to be inundated with his grace. He knows my needs and meets them, compassing me with blessing.

So this summer my focus is not on the clock or calendar, but rather on the big picture of God’s sovereignty in my life as he works through me in each and every circumstance, drawing me closer to him.

Whatever is True

In a recent episode of How I Met Your Mother, Ted finally lets go of Robin and moves on realizing that nothing could happen. If something was going to happen it would have. I have been spending my time hurting people by continually dwelling on what could happen. Also known as, what I want God to make happen in my life. What I think should be fulfilling.

It is true that God does work in mysterious ways, and things we never thought would happen do happen. But if you’re imagining something that isn’t true than how will you won’t be amazed at God’s work. If he caters to your wants in that way, then it’s like he’s giving you a rock instead of wholesome bread that a truly loving Father gives. As Jesus states, “Which of you if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for fish will give him a snake?” (Matt. 7:9). Our thought’s aren’t God’s thoughts and God will not give us that which is not good.

I have been spending a lot of energy focusing on what I want in the future, dwelling on it, and not enjoying the present. No wonder I have been angry and depressed. God has been handing me wholesome bread and I’ve been responding saying, “Look, daddy, how about I pretend these stones are rocks and eat them.” Those thoughts and imaginings have not made those stones bread, and have not given me satisfaction. Paul exhorts the church of Philippi, “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things” (Phil. 4:8). If I am not dwelling on things that are true, I am definitely not dwelling on anything honorable, pure, lovely commendable, excellent, or worthy of praise. If that is the case, then I am definitely not pleasing God with my mind. Nor am I loving my neighbor as I would want to be loved or as Christ has loved me or as he would want me to love them. I allow my self to succumb to depression and fits of anger. I am not being thankful for the gifts that God has given me.

Those gifts: friendships, neighbors, brothers, and sisters, that I spurned, were from God. They were wholesome bread for me to be nourished by and delighted in. Shame on me. However, I will be moving back soon, and I cannot stop being so thankful for the Holy Spirit who convicts us and calls us back to the cross.  I am brimming in admiration at a Father who continually forgives me, gives me good things, and new mercies each day, who will “Satisfy us each morning with [his] steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days” (Psalm 90:14).

I pray this time if the Lord of all gives me bread, I will be wholeheartedly thankful and eat it right then and there, dwelling on his everlasting love and goodness, enjoying him and the precious gifts he gives.

 

Waitin Here on the Shelf

Waiting is pretty hard. How exactly am I supposed to feel? hopeful? despairing? It’s hard to know what exactly I should do with myself, or what I should plan. What do I say to people when they ask me what I’m doing? Oh you know just sitting here waiting for a job to pop up, finding connections. Hopefully soon I’ll begin to see the rewards of doing so. I don’t know. I keep asking people to pray. I so don’t want to lose faith over this. For real, I’ve been in lots of situations where logistics came through the last minute. Pretty much every year in college, rooming situations would never be settled until the very last second. I’m a bit nervous and totally excited to move again. I have a place to stay and a way to get down….so hopefully the rest will come later…just pray pray pray…wait wait wait…

They Offered to Walk Two

I remember my fourth grade teacher explaining how loving your neighbor was not just walking one mile with their coat, but offering to walk two. You can melt pride, by going further.

One of the things I’ve been blessed with here in Boston this year is getting to know the Berry family. They live right around the corner from me and go to the same church. They had me over for dinner within in the first couple of weeks I started attending. I was invited over for tea whenever. Since I crashed my car last October they’ve been taking me to church with them and small group and other church functions. It’s totally okay for the nephs to come over and play in their yard on very crazy days. It’s just been such a blessing to get to know this family and be humbled by the fact that they’ve continued to go the extra mile during my stay here. (To tell the truth I’m going to weep when I have to say goodbye). I only wish I knew how I could be a blessing back to them.

I probably should have said the one thing I’ve been blessed with here has been the immense hospitality and generosity I’ve received from the church body with whom I’ve been fellowshipping. It’s like when people have you over, they have you over for hours, not just a couple. And a lot of them open their homes on multiple occasions. It’s been a true home away from home. Though I am thoroughly excited to go back home, I will really miss these folks.

Winter Gives Way to Spring…THANK GOD!

If my birthday wasn’t in February, I’d say that winter just stinks. I don’t like the cold very much or the short days. I don’t have too many great memories of winter either. This is actually the first winter I haven’t gotten dreadfully sick. Anyway, two days ago was my birthday and I thought I’d write down twenty-four things I’ve learned this year.

1. Some meat thermometers have plastic faces and shouldn’t be put in the oven the entire time with the bird.

2. Mastered the MBTA. 

3. I don’t want to teach, nanny, host, or work any part time or mundane full time job.

4. My heart’s in the South, so is home. “Where I am is more important than what I do while I’m there.”

5. The family of God is incredible!

6. Learning what you don’t want to do or where you don’t want to be or who you don’t want to be with is just as important and equitable to what you do want to do, where you do want to live, and who you do want to be with.

7. It’s nice to spend some quality time with your family.

8. There really isn’t any pattern to how life goes and the way mine is going is quite all right.

9. Mastered the apostrophe

10. Books I read while 23: “Mason&Dixon”, “Infinite Jest”, “Absolom, Absolom!”, “Oblivion”, “Girl with Curious Hair”, “Consider the Lobster”,”Brief Interviews with Hideous Men”, “Broom of the System”, “Siddartha”, “The Sun Also Rises”, “Crying of Lot 49″, “Vineland”, “This is Water”, “Catcher and the Rye”, “Nine Stories”, “Franny and Zooey”, “Raise High the Roof Beams, Carpenters”, “White Noise”, “Four Quartets”, “A Universal History of Iniquity”, and finishing up “Sanctuary”

11. Writing, something I never really want to stop doing.

12. Butter crusts are the only way to go for a fantastically good pie, other than that I hate ‘em.

13. Continuing to learn about living with intense emotions and feeling a few extremely opposite ones at the same time.

14. White Russians are a good substitute for ice cream.

15. If you mix sugar, and butter together you can get any guy to eat it. Guys love dessert. Actually they just love food…and being served….bahaha

16. Speaking about guys, you never marry the right person, thanks Relevant Magazine.

17. My whole life I thought I had to hurry up and get married so that I could have tons of babies. I was convinced I better start young because my eggs wont last forever and it gets harder as you get older. I was kind of horribly naive. I don’t want to have a ton of kids. OUCH, old Luisa! Also, you can have plenty in five or six years. I think I’m better off learning all I have while single than while being tied down by babes.

18. I’m a really cool person. I like myself. I do not need to change in the slightest for some other human being. I can be delighted in without any change.

19. It truly is God who directs our paths and prepares our hearts for what he has. He “moves in mysterious ways his wonders to perform.”

20. I learned different ways to brew coffee and that I particularly like coffee from Africa.

21. I’m actually more of a beer person, than wine, and whiskey, particularly Jack, is my weak spot.

22. Though my school wasn’t academically stellar, nor was my student-self baller, I had some great professors who still want to know how things are going, and that is pretty much worth the student loans I’m paying off now.

23. Community is incredibly important. Life has its ups and downs, but having supportive friends is what really gets you through it, not money, nor the perfect job. I have a community in Chattavegas, what I learned this year is how deep my roots had grown.

24. There is a season for everything. This too shall pass.

But if My Friends Climbed a Cliff…

Harnessed. Standing in front of the huge boulder. Looking up. Finding first footholds. Reaching arms. Grasping the ledge. Terror. Climbing, my friends do it and I want to do it too.

Yet I’m terrified of heights. I grew up in a land of cornfields and there wasn’t much climbing being done. There weren’t many friends either, and all I wanted was people to do things with me. When I left for college on Lookout Mountain, GA, I hoped that I would be given friends who would love adventures and outdoor activities. Well, I did, but little did I know how much stretching I would, and still do, go through. My friends are insanely crazy, and pretty much hardcore. Life is one big adventure!

Growing pains hurt though, and a lot of times I find myself dwelling on the past. Why would no one play with me? Making excuses for why I’m the slowest or the least skilled. Well I just didn’t get to do this when I was younger. Whenever I do things with them, I find myself climbing over a bigger boulder of absolute resentment.

So I end up battling fear and resentment. Why then, do I keep wanting to go climbing? The challenge, obviously. However, every time I walk over to that boulder, I remember what a gigantic challenge it is. I  shrink back. In my various escapades I’ve made it to the top only a few times. Overcoming fear and resentment is a huge daily battle in itself. It takes time. The more times I climb, the more I get used to it, but it’s so slow. Each time I go, I think, Oh I’ll get to the top this time, but I only get higher than the last time I went. I think that’s good. It’s not necessarily hardcore, but honestly, it takes time for me to get used to anything I do. Slow, low energy…that’s just who I am. The adrenaline rush does not push me up. It makes me freeze. But I keep at it anyway, because eventually I’ll get to the top and I know it will be so rewarding.

The other reason I keep going is because, like running, climbing doesn’t bore me. When I do a cardio/ pilates video or go to the gym, I get so bored and distracted. I lose count really fast, literally. I become demotivated, and then in the gym, overwhelmed by all the options I can do. Should I do every machine? Have I stretched every muscle? If I had a buddy, I probably wouldn’t mind so much, especially if they counted for me. In pilates everything seems so still and I wonder, is this really doing anything? Then boredom sets in. Although, I do get through it and realize it wasn’t so bad.

I wouldn’t necessarily jump off a cliff if my friends did, but I would definitely climb one if they did. Maybe to me life isn’t a big adventure, but a big battle. Or maybe I should see it as an adventure; however, it’s something to overcome and I plan to overcome it though it take me a lifetime.

Last post apology

I didn’t mean to complain or anything in my last post. I meant to convey the everyday necessity for discipline. Yeah these thoughts come at varying degree but there is no reason to give into them or legitimize them. Every one can exhibit self control.

Take, for example, standing on a train platform. You’re standing there with a wide gap in front of you where the train tracks are. It’s tempting to start thinking about jumping in, especially when the train is coming. I don’t know about you but I always think about suicide when I wait for a train. But would I actually give in and end my life?…uh…no!

Think of these petty thoughts, these lame excuses, these guilt trips as doorways into a self-deprecating, unfulfilling, future. Chase them away! Or reign them in and make them work for you. Above all, don’t let them control you. That’s when you sink into the train tracks.