I’m Old I Tell You!!!!!

I’ve realized lately how incredibly weird it is to be a senior.  It’s a completely different group of people than the group that was there when you entered. Different people have filled the shoes of those that were the joksters, the nerds, the whatevers…life goes on. The other weird thing is  that every one is younger than you. You also see you’re family differently, but I’m not going to divulge into that. If you’ve been there you know what I mean.

 

Today I went to church to supervise the middle school painting party. We painted one of the walls in their youth room.  5 kids showed up and 3 little kids who live across the drive way helped us. It only took us an hour…the wall looks really interesting. It’s yellow with a hue of green and blue….interesting…not bad, though. One of my friends came with me but left early. He helped me buy paint, which is so expensive and frustrating when a quarter gallon is too little and a gallon is too much and there’s no in between.

I had one of those unplanned anything could happen Saturdays. I was picked up at church by the Corbetts, went shopping with them at wal mart, had some coffee at there house, enjoyed a nice fall drive up the mountain, stopped at the McElrath’s to drop something off, absconded with by Annie to french braid her hair, had coffee with her, read with her, chatted, went back to school and here I am. Now I am going to go to din din.

My Dark Hallway

Sometimes I get depressed.

It’s inevitable

I probably have a low point each week. It really does feel like something is pressing down on me. I’m captured in a cage. I just have to wait for the moment to pass and then I’m fine. I just have to keep walking though the hallway is dark.

Yesterday, was such a gorgeous day. I wouldn’t have minded dieing. I wanted to jump off a cliff or drown in a river. I went for a run with a friend….running through the red and yellow leaves…ready to fly off the mountain…sometimes when I am depressed or angry I run faster than normal. I can feel something else driving me. It was probably the same thing that drove me to walk through the misty moisty morning to panwaffles.

But a friend picked me up along the way.

I always have a friend to hold my hand through these times or pick me up…someone, not to fix my disposition, but to be there with me reminding me of the love of our creator.

I wonder at the disposition of depression. I can be saved, but still go through it. It’s so negative and the fact my thoughts tend towards morbidity is sad.

There’s a part on the bluff trail I run on that passes these massive boulders. You run through trees and rocks, turn the corner and before you are these humongous rocks that say “I am huge, magnificent, BUT my creator is bigger than me”. I am reminded of this creator…the rock of my salvation…Somehow this depression, so big, drives me to my even bigger creator.

That is what it is for me to struggle with this and be redeemed.

My Attempt at Free Verse

These poems are for my class on imagism. That is a movement which was the impetus for modern poetry. The poets of this movement threw off the wintry shrouds of conventionality and sought the spring meadows of cadence.

Rendered Speechless

Moments of breath-

less words

Moments uncaptured

capturing me

The sun

shone

The leaf

fell

The woman

sewed

The baby

born

Here’s my other one. I really wanted to write one about the affects of words. Through my interactions with people I have been confounded by the fact that their words can make me happy but in a moment sad and vice versa

Honeyed words you spoke to me

so dear, so tenderely

I sore into the clouds

high above the earth

so high to go

so far to fall

when hit by your lighting words

so tearing, so angrily

so low below the earth

I fell

Like the tuning of a page

or the variation of a tune

your words tosseled me.

Well, I hope you enjoyed them….oh do be critical….I’m going to go study now

Lot’s of Cinnamon, Some Cloves, and a Dash of Salt

Here is the sad picture of the magnificent pie I made with Enoch today. It was our first time from scratch. Oh Betsy I made us sound like a couple. We’re not. We just hang out every now and then because I like to cook and he has an oven. I don’t have an oven on my hall. His apartment is part of the Petit’s house. It’s just a walk down jupiter road. Emily Belz lived there a couple years ago and one time I walked down to her house for some nutella, tea, and french conversation.

Neither of us has a camera, but then I remembered that I had a iphoto. So, I maneuvered my camera above the stove to some how get a picture. The little rolls underneath that you can just barely see is what we did with the extra crust. They’re fine especially with whipped cream.

It has been quite a fine fall day. This morning I went to the Kauffmen’s for breakfast. I sat with Sam Belz, Peter McCrory, Stephen Bates, Robbie Brown, and a couple other really fun people-it’s really cool to see my two worlds come together. After we had finished eating and cleaning up we sat down at the piano and had a little hymn sing. We sang for an hour. It was so awesome.

Last night was Jazz on the Overlook in the Great Hall. I danced for three hours straight. I was so dizzy and sore at the end. One of the last songs my friend dipped me and I landed right into these two girls who were dancing together. Thankfully, I know them. My head hurt for a little while. You guys at home would probably be quite amazed with all the tricks I’ve learned…hehe…it’s so fun to have guy friends who just want to try new things and are strong leaders.

Saturday’s seem to go by so quickly and this one is no exception. I started working on my SIP bibliography. I guess it’s nice that they’re making me do this and such. I hate writing bibliographies. I’m so imperfect. Anyway, I’m researching poetry and nonfiction and writing in general just to see where it leads me.

NOTE: I thought this published but it didn’t this was the Saturday before last post

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

The reason I made these pies was for a surprise party that Janel and I planned for Zach. We wanted to kidnap him and take his somewhere outdoorsy with some friends and have a fun time. Well, we weren’t sure how we were going to do it. We put Enoch in charge of doing it, but then our details weren’t concrete enough. Riding to church was just peachy the whole time back Zach was like “guys we could do this or that or this or that, Luisa I’ll play catch with you.” After we dropped him off  I had an epiphany–Enoch would drop me off at Zach’s later in the afternoon to play catch with him while he and everyone else went to the commons on the mountain with the pies and cake. I got to his house and he was deep in a Sunday afternoon nap so it took the woman power of mine, Annie’s and Mrs. McElrath’s to get him out of bed. Then we had to find some gloves and the glove for Z-Z. We finally got out the door…it wasn’t hard to convince him to go to the commons. We got there and kept walking past the open field to a picnic bench by a tree where I could see everyone, but Zach was still utterly oblivious and in this state he was like “where are you going?” The confusion on his face was epic he stood there with his head cocked and with his classic “what?!” expression on his face. THEN out of the tree came all his friends shouting “Suprise! Happy Birthday!” He was soooo suprised he was like “What?! No way!” It was absolutely jolly. The pies were amazing but not as much as the company. We played ultimate frisbee and catch and sat around and chatted. It was quite epic.

Enoch, Janel, Zach, and I concluded our day by going to small group. Not many people showed up but the fellowship continued as we soaked in the wisdom from the testimony of the older adults there. It was so blissful to be with these three. We’ve had such grand adventures despite times of contention. We’ve grown in the Lord together over these three years and it is such a blessing to still be friends and to better friends than before.

I Will Sing of His Steadfast Strength

Yesterday I fasted because tomorrow is Lord’s Supper at my church. It was incredible to feel physically what I feel emotionally. What was further incredible was feeling God’s presence. Feeling him give me the strength I needed to get through the day, calming my angst. Then furthermore than that the feeling of increased faith in the fact that God truly can get me through my hardest struggles because he is a great God. His grace and strength are unfathomably vast. I feel more peace with my situation right now. I feel content with my present state of emotions, which is a lot to say for someone who was there with the Greeks participating in catharsis. I feel at peace with God’s work in my life and I as though I know him even more as the sustainer of my life. May his steadfast love continue to strengthen me every morning.

It’s been raining a lot for those who don’t check the news and don’t live in Georgia. I’m sitting here writing as the wind is shaking the boughs outside my window and as torrents upon torrents of rain are being poured out on the earth. I was discussing with Sam Belz the connotations of this weather. We agreed that inside it’s a nice day to sit and read a book with a hot beverage, but outside the fog is so eerie and sublime as if Frankenstein will at any moment pop out from behind a tree to capture you and take you to his kingdom of monsters. We all know he is still around there’s no doubt about it. I saw him one time as I was running in the woods. Oh the things I see let alone the things I say. I’m hoping to watch Frankenstein today with a friend. It would be quite an epic day to do such a thing.

Yesterday, chapel was great. Professor Hallstrom advocated for Christian participation in the arts. Deeming the arts as one of the “all things” that God created that God will reconcile to himself. So being an actor or artist or writer is not sinful. What is sinful is the fallen world–the deceitful heart of man. I know being a writer I would feel stifled and as though I were killing my inner soul if I were forbidden to write. I would be telling my brain you cannot go into the realm of creativity. Denying part of me that is the image of God. God created and was creative in his creation, thus since I am created in his image I have the innate quality of creativity. I got to enhance this at camp this summer by doing arts and crafts, which is one thing I liked about camp.  She continued her defense in saying that it isn’t a sin to participate in the arts, but it is a sin when we degrade our neighbor by causing them to stumble. She ended with a poem about Marilyn Monroe in which the poet begged pardon for her for she was a broken person exploited by the pleasures of men.

Well, my belly is full of pancakes and I am ready to get on with my life.

ciao ciao!

“Every Metaphor is a Miracle”

My life is like a child who has a flower and says “He loves me, He loves me not” as she picks off each petal wondering if she will get to the end of the flower.

Thrilling Thinking Thursday

For all those who prayed for me yesterday I just want to say thanks because by God’s grace I had a good Wednesday. There have been times this week that I have felt myself slipping, but God has given me the strength to grasp for his word and rely solely on his hope.

My week has gone very well especially compared to last week. I’ve felt so much encouragement from the littlest places. Classes are going well. I’ve been getting my homework done and sleeping at nighttime although I am still pretty sleepy during the day. I’m pretty sure the constant fog doesn’t help.

On Tuesday I went over to Renee’s house and helped her clean her old apartment. Yesterday I went to youth group and had lots of fun with the middle schoolers. Oh, yeah I’ve become a youth leader. I’m pretty excited to see how God will grow me in that this year. I also talked to one of my professors who is my first reader about my SIP. So, all that is falling into line. I’m becoming a pro at researching in the library. Today, I stopped out the rhythm of the doxology on the stairs in the libraries stairwell. Today, I corrected Dr. Wildeman’s Latin and received an A+ for the day for my astute observation. Yesterday I drove for thirty minutes…I love driving.

I never imagined myself as being independent. In fact I’m a little scared, but it’s growing on me and I think I will like it just not forever.

Shakespeare is the sunshine to my cloudy day

Bare just Bare

This week has been quite low for me.  I’ve felt so discouraged academically and emotionally. Wednesdays tend to start this cycle of feeling low. So, on Wednesday my friend dragged me out of my room and into the woods for a run. I started running but then the blood swept through my legs urging me to go faster. I galloped over hills and around curves thinking “he makes my feet like the deers”. We stopped at one point to stretch because we basically started on a dead sprint. We were on one of the rock overlooks on the bluff trail. Standing on these overlooks is phenomenal everything is at your feet the mountains stretch for miles in front of you. I am usually reduced to tears and this time was no exception…I broke down and sobbed…and sobbed…and sobbed.

As I sobbed it started to rain, but right next to me. The sun was still shining. I could see the rain cloud come closer and closer. Soon it was right above me. We started back on our run, sprinting through the woods like a gazelle leaping over bramble, sliding on the rocks. It started to thunder and we stopped and just walked.

We walked up the gravel path right next to scenic highway simply soaked. I thought of my conversations with Jared Mollenkof this summer about dancing naked in a thunderstorm. He was telling me about something he read and the main character at one of his desperate moments goes out in a thunderstorm naked. Dancing bare naked, stripped of all defenses and that is how I felt…feel.

I feel bare, defenseless, worn, stuck…I long for this struggle to be completely over…I thought it would be by now. It’s not and I don’t know what to do but to stand bare before God in the rain and somehow be able to say, “You may slay me, but my trust will still be in the Lord.”

I’ve Forgotten How Long 30 Pages Is

School is back in swing and I am with it.

All of my classes are fun and interesting and intellectually stimulating. I already have lots of reading to do and I am already behind. Here is why:

On Saturday I got up at 7 to meet Tommy to go to his house for yard work. We spent all day digging out stumps, pulling vines out of dirt, and planting grass seed. At 4 in the afternoon we decided to quite working and go with some guys from Tommy’s hall and four other girls to Blue Hole National Park. Tommy’s hall goes there every year last year they invited my hall but this year it was suppose to be just a guy thing. It turned into 10 guys and 5 girls. I jumped off a 40 foot cliff (I’m told by a sort of reliable source that it’s 40 feet) and hit the water so hard that the back of my legs are bruised up. I was so shocked by the impact that I started sucking in water. It hurt so much to kick my legs and so I struggled to get to the surface. We walked up the river to another swimming hole spot. The guys were hysterical the whole time. These are the guys I’ve known since freshman year and I just have never seen their goofiness to it’s fullest extent.  We walked back and stopped at pizza hut. We got back up to the mountain by 10.

The next day was just as long. Getting up at 7 my roommate and I readied ourselves for church. We had a wonderful Sunday morning. In the afternoon we went to the Jones’ for lunch and fellowship. It was so much fun. In the late afternoon I played with Jack. We had adventures in the woods but I can’t give anymore details because everything we did was top secret but I can say that a bouquet of flowers came out of it. After our fun adventures we played hide and seek with Zach-Zach in the house. Jack didn’t quite get the skill and technicalities of this game, but he did all right he just didn’t look behind chairs and thus neither of them could find me for a good 30 minutes. When Jack finally found me he asked me if I would help him find Zach I said “Sure but you might loose me along the way” and so when he wasn’t looking I quickly scooted to a new hiding spot where Zach was hiding. We discussed our tactics and decided as we heard him pass us for the 5th time that we would sneak out and go to a more obvious spot. He would finally find us in those spots and we kept telling him we were there the whole time. We played a bunch of similar tactics for the next hour.  After we were done with that we went to Lord’s Supper and had a fellowship meal. I got to meet and chat with some more people who went to Covenant with Jeannette. After that the day was far from over for we went to one of the elders house to play games but it turned into just chatting. Finally we went home and arrived back on campus at 11:58.

Even though unexpected times like these happen homework somehow gets done. There were a few times where I almost worried about the fact that I hadn’t studied all weekend, but then I look back at the past years and am reminded of God’s provision, of my need for fellowship, and the fact that things still get done and I still keep living.